REDEMPTION AND NEW DREAMS

Here's a little corner of our home, a space we have begun creating for our kids to learn and play. A space for them to learn about Jesus, life skills, and practical things for when they begin school. This corner inspires me, even though it's just the beginning, because it reminds me of the process that got us here. The process that brought us to Japan and to teaching our kids in an intentional space in our home. After having my second, I went through a season of postpartum anxiety that felt like it lasted forever. Many days I called Aaron begging him to come home and help with the simplest of tasks because everything felt like a challenge. The sounds of crying, the night wakings, the endless site of dishes and laundry, it all felt too much. It made me so overwhelmed that I thought I was going crazy. After 8 months or so, I started taking medication. Something I encouraged many others to do and cheered them on for their bravery for it. Yet for myself, I could probably be doing more to take it away before needing to take that step, or it’s not that bad... I thought. But once I realized how much the anxiety was robbing from me being present, I decided it wasn’t worth not giving it a try. A week in, I was driving home and had the thought that I was happy and that the mountains looked beautiful today, and in that moment I also realized how foreign that thought had become. Don’t get me wrong, I still had many moments of happiness and felt God close but I also had moments of hard crashing. I must’ve internalized it pretty well because although I voiced the feelings, many didn’t realize how hard it was on me. A couple weeks in on the medication I was inspired to cook and do dishes, I wanted to hold my kids even when they were crying, and I felt present. I was able to use that momentum to implement healthy eating & routines to get off of the medication three months later, but it was absolutely the support I needed to get there. There were some beautiful things that came from that season but also many lies I had to unravel and give to God. It was that season that I woke up, realized I wasn’t doing what I knew I was called to do, where I was called to be. It pushed Aaron and I closer together and unified us towards a common goal, and help us lean into one another for strength. I gave up my way of doing things and allowed others in to help. But I also began to believe that I wasn’t cut out to be a mom of many kids, I wasn’t cut out to homeschool or create intentional spaces for my kids because it would probably be too much for me and my personality type. I began to believe that any more children would push me into a point of brokenness that can’t be redeemed, that the endless lack of sleep and crying would be more then I could bare. I have told anyone and everyone that I for sure would never have more kids. But you know what?! God has so redeemed that. He’s traded my lies for truth and shown me the grace he has for mother’s, for me. He’s shown me my potential, walked me into believing again in myself, given me a chance to dream again, and walked me into a point of inspiration and beauty. So here we are, where we were called and meant to be, dreaming about what’s next, and creating intentional space in our home for our kids to thrive. Still unlearning and relearning, still pushing myself to go for the hard things and telling myself I have the capacity and grace for it. It may be hard, I may need to change things along the road, but there’s always grace. Cheers to presence over perfection and the God who redeems. Cheers to maybe having more babies, maybe adopting, maybe homeschooling... whatever it may be. Cheers to doing some hard things of all kinds with Jesus and creating space for our family to learn and thrive. It'll be a process, it’ll be messy, it’ll be good.