Wave Breakers
Sarah McKisic • May 17, 2020
"God is King, robed and ruling, God is robed and surging with strength. And yes, the world is firm, immovable, Your throne ever firm—you’re Eternal! Sea storms are up, God, Sea storms wild and roaring, Sea storms with thunderous breakers. Stronger than wild sea storms, Mightier than sea-storm breakers, Mighty God rules from High Heaven. What you say goes—it always has. “Beauty” and “Holy” mark your palace rule, God, to the very end of time." - Psalms 93 MSG
It's April 11th, 2020. My daughter's 1st birthday. It feels very necessary to ponder upon this past year, a year so full of overwhelming anxiety, breakthroughs, the closeness of God, dreams fulfilled, and new depths of trust and faith. This is a more vulnerable post but one of hope I wanted to share nonetheless. Ella's first year of life was one of the hardest years of mine and on the other hand it was the best year I've had yet. A few weeks after Ella entered my world, I noticed the sadness and anxiety wasn't letting up. After reaching out to friends and family for prayer, encouragement, and wisdom I decided to start counseling. I began pursuing everything you can think of when it comes to ‘holistic’ heath and establishing routines that I felt “should” take this away. Months went on and nothing was really changing. Many sleepless nights and many tears shed by Ella… and me. This led me to research more about postpartum depression and anxiety, could I really have it? Could this be something that to overcome will need more than just doing all the “right” things - diet, exercise, vitamins, prayer, processing? “Surely not,” is what I thought. “Maybe I just need to keep trying, maybe this isn't as bad as I think, others probably have it worse…” the thoughts continued. There was always a lingering idea that I could be doing more and obviously, someone else had it worse than me. The anxiety worsened and felt debilitating. My brain felt so overwhelmed by every simple task. Things I once enjoyed like texting back loved ones or caring for my children, all felt really hard. Tasks that I once felt good at became things that swirled me into a state of hopelessness. Ella felt like such a mystery that I couldn't figure out. It was defeating because as a mom I felt like I “should” just know what she needs, how to get her to sleep and stay asleep, and meet every demand and desire. There’s that should thought again. I began to shut down more and more and leave Aaron to care for the kids while I sat in my room alone wishing I could disappear and have complete silence. Ella’s cries felt deafening and I felt completely stuck. The nights with Ella hardly sleeping felt long and like they bled into long days. Aaron was working and I felt stuck trying to care for a baby I didn’t have figured out and a toddler who still didn’t have words to communicate needs or emotions. Around 8 months in I remember reading a post of someone else walking through postpartum anxiety and depression, in the comments someone responded, “I have had PPD for a while but felt ashamed to take medication. It has felt like it’s taken me a long time to come to terms with all the time I missed out on.” This was pretty eye-opening for me as I began to ponder upon what I felt like I was missing out in the season by staying where I was. It was around this time that I was so frustrated and exhausted at the end of the day and rubbing my face and shutting down and I looked over and saw Liam begin to imitate me. I knew something needed to change and I needed more help then what I or my husband could give. I got on medication and within days felt like myself again. Driving home from running an errand I had thoughts about how beautiful everything was and how happy I was and it dawned on me how unfamiliar those thoughts had been. We began to make progress with Ella’s sleep training and getting more sleep at night and taking steps towards a more peaceful and joyful present. I was able to start doing normal activities and take care of the kids with more patience. It felt like a night and day difference. With the change in my state of mind, I was able to establish healthy rhythms and routines to help me and my family thrive. At the beginning of March of 2020, two and a half months into taking my medication, Aaron stopped working as we felt God leading us into full-time missions. With him being home, having a larger support system, and new rhythms that helped me, I began to wean off my medication. By the end of the month, I was completely done and felt amazing! I wanted to share this all so it will bring you to hope for whatever hard season you may be facing and also break the negative stigma associated with depression medication. There is no shame if you need medication to balance your hormones and help you get your life back. Your value and worth are rooted completely in a God who says you are worthy. He desires to be connected to you. He went beyond just saying this, He sent His son to die on the cross to say YOU ARE VALUABLE, and your brokenness, medication, and pain don’t trump that. Amid those first 8 months, I was unsure if I’d get back to being me, back to thriving, and past the shadow I felt under. I would hear the Lord say in response, “Lean into the breaking. You will be okay. I won’t let you fall.” It reminds me of the verse I started off with. Psalms 93 the MSG, "God is King, robed and ruling, God is robed and surging with strength. And yes, the world is firm, immovable, Your throne ever firm—you’re Eternal! Sea storms are up, God, Sea storms wild and roaring, Sea storms with thunderous breakers. Stronger than wild sea storms, Mightier than sea-storm breakers, Mighty God rules from High Heaven. What you say goes—it always has. “Beauty” and “Holy” mark your palace rule, God, to the very end of time." Now that I am beyond it I can say I most certainly have not been broken by the mighty sea storm breakers but rather have been made firm and full of strength. I am now grateful for that season of suffering and pain. It was a season of much pressure but I feel more refined and closer to God. He was so present and near, encouraging and comforting, and filling in all the gaps. There was a thought that I may look back on the season with regret or make decisions moving forward out of brokenness from it, but it’s the opposite. I look back seeing what God brought me through knowing with Him there’s nothing I can’t overcome. This is also for you. Where you are now, isn’t the end. What you feel now, isn’t how you will always feel. He has more for you and He will see you through this season and the many others ahead. He is in every valley and on every mountain top, and He will be near through them all. There is comfort from the comforter awaiting you and healing from the healer. There is more hope, more love, and more presence ahead. And I pray that in every hard season, in every suffering, and in all the pain, past, present, and future that you will feel Him, lean in, and be renewed by Him. I pray that as God, mighty, firm, and un-moveable, would take up his rightful place on the throne in your heart and mind and everything would be brought to peace and hope.
*Started this post April 11 and finished it today May 17. It was a full month but I still wanted to share this journey with you all.